Smells Like Thai Spirit

Before I carry on about nothing, I need to tell you two important things:

1. I can't tell what day it is, therefore, all that crap I spewed about Sunday being the worst day doesn't matter for this moment. I am truly on vacation.

2. I love this place entirely. In a minute I might complain about a few things, but I need you to remember how much of a good time we are having here and I'm not thinking about the Douchebag Alliance. So yes, for the record again, I AM TRULY ON VACATION and I'm digging it.

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Two possible scenarios strike me as I write this: 1) I may not have read the right travel publication and/or 2) These fucking books leave out critical details like THIS PLACE, MUCH LIKE MANY OTHER COUNTRIES OF THIS TYPE, HAS THE BEST AND WORST SMELLS YOUR BODY CAN INHALE.

In notes that I've written to others, I state that there are three main odors that fill the swampy air - Boogers, Diesel Exhaust, Lemongrass. I don't have the guide book here with me, but I remember becoming filled with romance and fantasy when reading any of the entries in either one of our books, plus getting a little listless reading the endless Shine-o-la found on the internet about Thailand being beautiful. It's truly gorgeous. And to take Thailand in is like making out with a beautiful princess who had been chewing on smoked cod for about an hour before your makeout session. You just hope that the smell of her hair can counteract the sewer in her mouth.

You're grossed out? You should be.

It seems to me that guide books often make it a point to omit the disgusting odor factor in their reviews. I spend my days congested, that I can smell anything at all is a miracle so you think I wouldn't be bothered by it. I just wonder why no review I've read let's you in on the dirty secret. We know the Princess is hot, and we all want a piece of her, but for fucks sake, what's wrong with telling us about how bad she smells?

The books go to great lengths to let you know how to get somewhere, who to expect there, how much things will cost, where to get a hooker, and how long she'll love you, but they don't note in the cute legend about the smell.

Our sweet room in Bangkok, in Silom was just right for us. Picture perfect. Close to everything, super quiet, incredibly cheap internet access, the best free breakfast I've ever had, fresh squeezed shogun orange juice, service with ten thousand smiles, and a room that smelled like the ashtrays at your grandpa's favorite shoe store.

Our room had a no smoking sticker on the door, but maybe that was just for decor, and the kid who did that ran out of Hello Kitty stickers, so she found the next closest thing.

The sewers are just a few inches underfoot covered by removable, vented concrete slabs. So you'll be walking, enjoying your sate on a stick that you got for about 30 cents, or maybe some of that exotic shogun orange juice, and then boom, you'll get a gust of warm, grey brown smelling, air that could vaporize Marilyn Monroe's skirt, pubes, and possibly some lower internal organs. Not good.

Diesel is king here which means when I get back, I'm going to lease an iron lung.

Today on my scooter adventure from our little town Kata Noi, to Phuket town, then to Patong, I got stuck behind several different stench parties on wheels, the least of which was the Thai Trash Truck. I slowed down to let it ahead of me, way the fuck ahead of me, only to be passed by the Thai Pig Truck. There's a lot going on here in the Kingdom of Siam.

So that leaves the food smells. These are perhaps the best smells ever. If you can think it, they can fry it and they make it smell so good, that you just may want to eat snake dick. Haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure it exists. Beyond fried, you can get steamed rice snacks, baked whatever balls, limbs on skewers, glasses and bottles filled with rainbow antifreeze colors. The fruit stands are rediculously cornucopic and everyone here gets danbgerously close to hurling food at you as you pass by. In our taxi, our driver reached out his hand, for what I thought was to check the weather, and boom, two bags of fried yams, and bananas land in his hand for 67 cents. This is the land of cheap miracles.

So when you add it up the odor stew can be a bit much, going from sweet smelling fried bananas, to some boy's undies that have seen neither water nor light in a fortnight. It would be helpful to know this don't you think? Or maybe it's just assumed that you're in Bangkok buddy, the world's your oyster, and you know what those smell like.