First, sorry to the Doucheblog. I'm not trying to co-opt your theme. Douchebags just happen to be the main participants in my day as well.
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In a moment of shocking clarity, I saw something today that I had been ignoring since 2003. There is a strong and very united Douchebag Alliance operating inside of this company, some of whom are my own friends.
It’s the same kind of conspiracy clarity that Tom Cruise seems to be prone to in his movies. You know how it goes, a brotha is just minding his own, and next thing he knows, he realizes that all of his seemingly righteous efforts toward equity and fairness have been slowly and gradually accumulated to work against him. Haha noble guy, you’ve been punk’d.
The main difference in my situation is that I'm hardly noble, more Ferris Bueller as Dawn pointed out today.
I have zero evidence to support my assertions, just a certain sixth sense that flashed when one of the suspect douchebags walked by and caught my gaze. I saw the circuitry under his skin for just a few milliseconds. This D-Bag, by the way, has been fired before for a major violation of the rules, and has been, and is currently at the heart of many glaring conflicts of interest. This person, and another person in another capacity, make up a DoucheBag all star team that can do no wrong. These people meet regularly in closed-door sessions and leave them looking unnaturally self-satisfied, more so than any mutual masturbation session can do.
And of course the alliance has support staff. I see them and I seethe.
Here is what is confusing to me – what is their mission?
A quick note - I have often relegated these thoughts to your good old, basic paranoia, but lately I’ve seen bullshit that can only be the work of a determined gang of assholes working to strike fear in all of the employees’ hearts.
And that may be their mission. I’ve been such a chump. I have more research to do, or I might just ignore it altogether as I have been attempting for so long.
More to come. I’m sure.
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This is the email combo that I received shortly after the clarity.
Re: New [Employee]
In anticipation of our new [employee] starting Monday, effective immediately [the old person] is no longer working for [the Company].
We wish [it the] best on [it’s] new endeavor.
If you have any questions, please see [Poo-head].
Thank you,
[Poo-head]
Followed by:
Re: I am gone
Hello all,
By now or maybe not you will learn that they got rid of me today. I am truly hurt.....NOT!!!! I didn't expect anything less. I will be at [the Restaurant where the going away party is planned] tomorrow still. I will miss all of you and wish you all the best.
Keep in contact. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.
See ya.....off to the mall!!!!!!!!!
[the Old Person]
*****
I know nothing of this situation, just smells like the Alliance.
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8 comments:
"Management's decisional prerogatives may be legitimized through the conception of management as an extension of ownership, but more often managers actually function as an independent group actualizing particular interest of their own" (Deetz, 1992).
D-Bags!!!!!! Dude you're getting into some heavy shit with this post. You know this could go all the way to the biggest D-bag of them all. You know who it is . . .Keep us updated as more douche bag developments occur. Fortunately at my "company" douchebaging occurs very sporadically and randomly.
I'm very interested in this secret society of douche bags that you are observing. Do you think all douche bags could be connected, worldwide? Like they can all “zone out” for a second and receive instructions from each other on how to fuck with you? That would explain a lot.
I've been pondering the quote offered by nw nerdy girl and I just can't quite understand how Douchebags are different from me with respect to actualizing particular interests of their own. Do you think that the DB is more ambitious as well as passive agressive.
I'm also not sure foreverever, if there is a united global consortium of douchebags. It's possible that there is a gloal network of waring douchebag factions. The groups may be constantly forming and re-forming strategic alliances with other douche tribes as well as with outsiders, based on certain event horizon imperatives. It's quite likely too that a "zone out" does occur, but not a total, unified one because douchebags can never get along with everyone. They exist by playing people against each other.
I also hate that I call them Douchebags. There's got to be a name that's less offensive to this segment of feminine hygene products.
one word: managerialism. the douchebags are different in that they have the endorsement of the company in actualizing their own self interests. it takes ambition and tactics like passive aggressivism to get there.
Isn't posting on a blog about Douchebags kinda' douchey in itself?
Dear Ping,
I'm glad you asked. It's a good point and well, yes, very Douchey indeed. In fact, this whole blog is douchery to the max when you consider that I spend work time posting about the most banal events in the office. Office work and office policies and procedures are totally about acting Douchey in its various forms. This post was inspired by my horrified and rather heartbreaking realization/confirmation that there is an alliance of Douchebags, comprising people I like.
I was always under the impression that I, along with everyone else douched around as independent operatives, and occasionally, we'd go to lunch together. I had no idea about the strength, breadth, depth, and cohesion of this Douchebag Delta Force.
As I noted in Douche Part Twat, I'm a douchebag for the following reasons:
I roll in about 30 minutes late each day, sunglasses on, no matter the light level, I go to the break room, I putz around and I go to my desk, then I take off the shades.
I blog, therefore I douche.
I sit in the back of the conference room, sleeping.
I gossip about the most mundane of mundanity.
I have lost sight of my own dreams, so I check ebay for things I don't need.
In addition, I write emails in typical office douchebagese and sign them Best Regards. I'm insubordinate and irreverent. I laugh when I don't need to or want to. I kiss ass just to make it through a hallway conversation with the Boss when he shows me things I'm not interested in. And I use the women's restroom, to name a few.
There is no doubt that I belong in Douchebag Anonymous. You usually see the Douche Clearly when someone is fired and this instance startled me because I came to learn again that the people I respect, the people I still rely on, who are my friends, are at the heart of a very directed and highly focused bullshit force. And ultimately, I'll get over it, but I'm presently angry and very sad.
Well I guess ultimately then we are all douchebags? I mean for me it starts every morning in the shower... I guess that joke in itself earns me my membership card.
One catastrophic failure i have noticed in your easoning though is (at least in my understanding) that the general douchebag is a douchebag because they don't recognize that the things they do are douchey... You however have this knowledge and intelligence.
I would argue that all of the things you describe in paragraph 3 are not douchey necessarily... I mean who doesn't roll in 30 minutes late every day??? Douchebags that's who.
The only comment that is still open for debate in my mind is "I blog, therefore I douche". I kind of tend to agree with this, but then again, here I am writing a post on someone's blog who I don't even know. Further to this, I am about to launch a completely self-serving photo blog so who am I to criticize.
Anyway point being... Douchebags are douchebags because they do all of these things without realizing it... you sir (or maam) are not a douchebag, for if you are then so is everybody else.
Ping,
The first thing I want to say to you is, THANK YOU FOR YOUR VISITS and COMMENTS. Shankly needs you.
The Douche, like the Pervert, is part of us, no getting around it. I was 19 when I started to embrace the Perv, now, I'm starting to embrace the Douche, and I’m cool with it. In fact, this awareness has actually enhanced my relationships.
The Douches I note seem to be part of a closed network of douchery, sourcing their communication skills from the Bush Administration and similar organizations. Case in point: the memo I share in a later post about the Staff Changes (titled, Both Sides Now). It’s all pretty clear to the rest of us what actually happened because we talk to each other, but the author, directed by the author’s boss, formulated a “sanitized memo” to communicate to all who already know the deeper story, some idiotic version, dotted with irrelevant fluff.
Further, Douchery’s pungent pepper drives the email quoted in this post, as the author notes,
In anticipation of our new [employee] starting Monday, effective immediately [the old person] is no longer working for [the Company].
I read this as, to prepare for the arrival of the new person on Monday, we asked the old person to leave right now.
Huh?
This Ping, is nurtured, well-developed, high functioning douchery.
My douchery is innate and intuitive.
So when I say, I blog, therefore I douche, it means just that. What the hell am I doing blogging on work time when I should be handling clients and making money for the company? Pretty douchey, and pretty natural, don’t you think?
Thanks again for your posts.
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