Can I get a HUH?

The alley diner is set back from the street, blocked by the fruit stand pictured above. Not many foreigners know that there is a kitchen behind the stand. One adventurous woman from the States broke through the fruit barrier, walked up to the cook and asked if he had any Thai iced tea. The cook answered yes.

I found that YES is the go to answer here, and then later on in the transaction, as this lady found out, they actually mean “HUH?” I know, because I made the same folly in Bangkok. I asked for Thai iced tea, the person replied a hearty and confident yes, because she was planning on serving me Lipton tea with ice, in Thailand – Thai iced tea, you dumb, obvious American fuck.

“No no,” I clarified, “THAI, iced tea. You know, it’s thick, it’s rich, has milk in it?”

First I got question face, then deeper question face, thinking face, and then the final face, just slightly more contorted, and then “HUH?”

And just as the lady did, I resigned, “well, never mind. Is OK. One soda water please?”

*****

In the months leading up to this trip, I tried to learn Thai by using the Rosetta Stone online language course. I didn’t find it optimal for my learning style. I know what boy is, and maybe a cat, and a plane, but outside of that, I’m pretty much Helen Keller. And I feel ashamed. It’s bad enough that I am among the hoards of tourists who treat this place like our personal fantasy rag. I feel terrible that Thais can't enjoy their own beaches because they are sullied by outsiders like me who can't focus on anything past their coconut drinks.

I only learned to count a few days ago, courtesy our friends at Ace Massage. Just understanding the numbers has made all the difference and I see that I have short changed myself and have missed out on the kinds of interactions that I love – making people feel heard and understood, making people laugh with just a simple phrase. If only I could say in Thai, “Take my wife…Please!” I would have so many people in stitches, or they’d get me a newer, better, bride than the current battle axe I haul around. Either way, we’d have a connection deeper than how much? and is there a discount?

We found a way to communicate with our new friends through sharing pictures on our digital camera, and we strained with each, supplementing with a great deal of exaggerated gesticulation and charades.

They giggled when I showed them pictures of the crap sold at local markets.

They blushed when we got to the underwear laid out like omelets on a buffet table.

And they all laughed at my photo of the toilet hose, each one making the same, spray in the butt gesture.

I was able to explain my love and appreciation for the spray hose attached to most toilets, and I was also able to explain with the help of my stellar spoken mime skills, “In Amereeka NO HOSE. Just paper.”

And they looked at me as if I swallowed a live Toucan.

“No water? Only paper?”

“Yes! Paper”

And then the inevitable, “HUH?”

I just couldn’t say more. Couldn’t elaborate on western cultural imperatives and our connoisseurship of toilet paper versus the Asian model for rectal cleanliness. It would have been a perfect opportunity to ask if that hose is the reason why Thai’s don’t shake hands upon meeting. I bet that if I had better language skills, we would have gotten past the Huh and dove right into Oprah Talk. But all I got was a lot of head shaking disbelief.

Damn the language barrier.

P.S. For the record, I learned on Monday night that the drink known in the States as Thai iced tea is known and ordered locally as Thai Milk Tea, and it’s not that popular.