Both Sides Now (or not)

When Management sends a memo, we read with total delight and wonder because no one is as good as the ruling body of any organization at serving up delicious, steaming piles of white hot bullshit. I have retained this memo in its original form changing only the names of the individuals to protect their sad identities.

Date: 11/8/2007

To: All Staff

From: Management

Re: Personnel Changes

Due to the increased responsibilities of the Production Department, John Mellencamp has been transferred to the Production Office to assist with daily operations, administrative duties, and manufacturing process controls. His knowledge, skills, and abilities will continue to provide the support that is needed.

Real Story – This guy John Mellencamp did not get along with his boss, Mr. Angrypants. One partner, operating on Mellencamps's behalf offered Mellencamp a position on a different team headed by Steve Earl, months ago, but Mellencamp balked for reasons that defy logic and decided to tough it out. On a recent business trip with that partner, Mr. Angrypants gave the partner an earful about Mellencamp. When the partner returned from the trip, he was eager, very eager to fire Mellencamp on the spot, but his trusted go-to person, Joni Mitchell, the author of this memo, intervened and helped to create another position in the company, on the spot, to save Mellencamp's ass, because she thought he was worth saving.


We regretfully announce that Karen Carpenter has accepted a position elsewhere, and as of Thursday, Nov. 15th will no longer be employed by Abercrombie & Fitch. Karen has played a vital role in the development and progression of [certain special] projects, on top of being an engaged and valuable Abercrmobie team member in general. We thank her for everything she’s contributed and wish her the very best in her future endeavors.

Real Story - After being jacked around longer and harder than any porn production would ever demand, Karen Carpenter found a job that was a) closer to home, and be b) run by actual business people. Her vital role had been down played several times despite her own efforts to succeed so she said fuck it, fuck you, my shit is outta here.

Beginning Monday, November 12, Jerry Springer will join Steve Earl’s team and assume Karen's responsibilities.

We appreciate everyone’s continued support during this transitional time.

Real story – Jerry Springer and John Mellencamp worked under Mr. Angrypants. Springer asked to be moved another team/department citing a hostile work environment. The company hemmed and hawed. On the day that John Mellencamp was removed and relocated Jerry Springer made his case again, only stronger. With the help of Joni Mitchell, Springer was relocated to an equally dysfunctional team, but hey, it's better than unemployment.

Lesson: Don't fuck with Joni Mitchell.