Co-worker Annoyance Substance Abuse Interaction: Part 1

So it’s Friday afternoon. Bored at work and I was thinking today about an interesting office occurrence. This phenomenon I can only described as Co-worker Annoyance Substance Abuse Interaction or C.A.S.A.I. This is the first installment in these co-worker descriptions.

Coffee + Sugar = Insanity

This is by far is the most common and deadly C.A.S.A.I. It is what happens when a coworker consumes 3 Starbuck grande mocha pumpkin frappachinos, with 3 Stevita sweeteners each, and touch of half and half along with 2 blueberry muffins, a package of Twix, and a handful of mini-dove bars or any other combination of caffeine based substances with sugar based substances.

They are instantly transported to this other level of human reasoning where they can’t keep from getting up and walking around the office constantly. When they return to their cubicle they always bump into something because, they’re so wired and giddy. You hear the familiar whinny ouchhhhhhhhh, snickering and strange kind of muffled grunting sounds that occur after they’ve hit their knee on their desk and you know that it’s totally started and you have no way of escaping the onslaught. As they sink themselves into their chair you can begin to hear the rustling of pens, paper, computer keyboard, mouse pad, stapler, food wrappers, phone being turned on speaker phone, etc., as they commence to rearrange their desk over and over again for the next 15 minutes you know now would be a good time if you were a smoker to go outside and puff. Also during this time impromptu singing and humming usually takes place. The worst thing that can happen at this moment is that either the phone rings or somebody comes by to talk to them.

What happens next can only be described as what it looks like when a 16 year old is in drama class acting out a skit on drug abuse for a school drug awareness program and they’re trying to dramatize the affects of speed, cocaine, and pot all at the same time. The ironic thing is that the 16 year old is actually high and that in their over acting they begin to over act even more so, due to the effects of the bong hit they had in their parents mini-van before school started. They start being aware of their drug use and they will name what drugs they are on (sugar/caffeine) and then quickly deny it and say they were joking. They also for some reason will begin to have an English or Australian accent and start using words for no apparent reason such as instead of saying, “okay, sounds good.” They’ll say, “Yes Madame, thank you missy miss, righty-O, that’s marvelous, want some chocolate, just kidding it's 8:20am. . .haa ha ha ha ha ha ha haha*.”

*actual ha haha hahaha ha haha ha ha ha is said, not laughter. . .