I’m more than willing to acknowledge that when it comes to certain things, I am a full time asshole who volunteers during the weekends as the lead counselor at dickhead day camp.
This certain thing involves babies and the jerks who love to make them and then share endless photos of them doing poor impressions of sea sponges.
Last week, one member of our team emailed each of us our regular ration of cute photos of his newest daughter. The whole team oooohd and cooed at them, while I found them as cute, as endearing, and as funny as photos of a rock.
I have nothing against babies and all things baby, just keep the photos to a minimum, as I have no viable way of faking my indifference. I’m absolutely sure that my responses and opinions would be different if I had my own child. I’d probably ask when she last pooped, how often they empty out the diaper bin, how often does the older one attempt murder, or if brandy on the gums works, and I’d probably make a joke about how I prefer to smear vodka on my own gums, wacka wacka wacka. And we’d have a perfect mommy and me bonding moment while we tittered about the joys of parenthood over our café au lait. For the moment though, I say go fuck yourselves, all of you, and the SUVs you rode in on.
Why so harsh you ask? Because I feel like it. And actually, I don’t have animosity toward babies or baby havers, just those times when the baby haver’s enthusiasm for his or her own ability to perpetuate the species – an ability that is the principal reason rents are so high - comes in the form of weekly flickr photo streams chronicling in 140 photos, such enthralling events as a child laying in a bed, staring.
I thought we got past last weeks photos, and that I suffered through it without causing too much insult to the sperm donor. This morning, we received the VIDEO version. At last! I’ve been having trouble finding the bootleg version on the internet. So this is great news. Sam was the first to pull it up and the heartiest of chucklers. I know Sam, he is very supportive always, but if I hadn’t known any better, I’d think that he was partially retarded for finding a video of a staring baby, doing the Robocop, on a grey bed sheet, funny. The father watched us watching the video, guiding us through its complex narrative, making sure to point out exactly what was on the funny horizon.
Later I’m going to buy Dawn lunch for being the Guest Bitchy Judge on America's Next Top Baby Model. She looked at the video, looked at the father, inhaled with a wrinkled nose, and barked, “That is a weird baby! That is so weird! She looks like some kind of weird alien baby! Jeeezus, what the hell is up with her?”
Finally, some other reasonable asshole speaks.
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3 comments:
Here at the Pet Shop we have lots of babies. Most people are polite or don't care and the photo baby onslaught hasn’t reached the extremes which it sounds like is going down over there. The new born baby pics do get sent around and that's acceptable because, we have to know what kind of alien your coworkers have had. After that it's the occasional "baby vist" or a story about kids falling off tables or something. . .
I think the thing is that we're listening to how much someone loves someone else and we're supposed to share in that love. That’s wrong we shouldn’t have to love the same thing other people do. Of course things are different with baby's. Some sort of physical response to liking baby’s exist in our consciousness so that we don’t kill them.
Think of if some guy was like, "Yo, my girlfriend is so hot dude, she'll drink like 4 jagers in a row and that’s just to get the party started! Dude, Dude and she's so cute. Dude, check this video of when she was on Girls Gone Wild, isn't she amazing? The way she pulls her shirt up like that! I swore she was wearing a bra earlier, Dude it's so crazy!"
Now that shit would be so annoying.
So yhea, the baby lines must be drawn and telling people that their babies are annoying is totally acceptable. . .I love the baby alien quote. . .
Thank you for your comment. I should note that I completely understand the compelling desire to share the fruits of your humping and all the shit clean up and joy associated with it. I get why people show photos and parade their DNA all up and down this bitch. It’s fun and it’s cute, and people dig it. I dig kids I dig kids clothing, blah blah blah.
My difficulty with Baby Show and Tell, or most other forms of people show and tell (e.g. My Girlfriend Show and Tell as you mention) is the assumption that I’m going to enjoy the unsolicited breeder party all the time, and that I’m supposed to say positive, affirming, your baby is so cute crap when I am totally busy trying to hook up on craigslist. One photo is cute from time to time, but just like with spanking it, I run out of steam if I hit it too often. And frequently, I can’t make out what part of the baby is supposed to be cute so I feel empty in the compliments department. Should I just default to, “Thank you for sharing that”?
Moreover, I got nothing against people with babies, some of my best friends have babies. Ultimately, I don’t care what you do in the bedroom; just don’t go waving it in my face.
i want to thank you for fueling my argument, 835. "parading your DNA". my point exactly.
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