Foreverever's account of the Pet Shop's Annual Staff Holiday Party

So this was my first attendance at the Annual Holiday Party here at the Pet Shop. I don’t know where to start relating this evening to all our wonderful readers. First off Employee835 and Poodle M were able to attend and I’ll discuss how they gate crashed later. A brief description of the setting for the party was a series of rooms decorated to the 8’s with everything Christmas: wreaths, bows, presents, live Christmas trees, lounging areas, two buffets, one mashed potato bar, two beer and wine bars, dance floor, horrible snowflake lighting and other accents that we don’t really need to describe.

Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus were there along with some palm, tarot card, handwriting readers. After figuring out it would be easy for E835 and Poodle to get in I went and got a beer and waited in line to get my tarot card reading done. It was still early in the night and people were filing in so I knew I had to get any fortunes told early in the evening. I must say that the tarot card reading was rather humbling and actually linked up with many things that I’d been thinking about, I just have to follow my instincts and things will go great. I was also told that I need to eat more vegetables from the ground. I was able to get a margarita glass full of mashed potatoes with my choice of toppings, total class, and have another beer so things were looking good as E835 and Poodle were about to arrive.

At this point during the party I looked around and saw nobody I knew. A few staff were scattered here and there but, almost everyone was an elder according to Poodle M. These are the volunteers at the Pet Shop who help clean out the cages and take care of sick puppies so this is the Shop’s way of thanking them for all their hard work. They were already trickling out as I made my way outside to meet up with my blog bros. Right when E835 and M were about to cross the street one of the elder’s passed out right in front of me! Flinging her Lexus key to the ground and slumming down. Some people were there to help her and I ran inside to inform the security of the situation. E835 and M must have looked at this moment like when you're in college and you roll up to some crazy party and somebody is passed out on the front lawn. Help was on the way for the poor women and since no RSVP list or anything was being used at this point, E835 and M just strolled in.

We crowded into an elevator with a few elder’s and as E835 was asking me if this party was off the hook I didn’t have to answer his question because, the bass could already be heard through the elevator doors and as they opened to the glory of holiday party fueled by cheap red wine and terrible 80’s dance music was unfolding. We quickly got some food. As usual I ate something that I thought was veggie lasagna but, later found tuna fish or chicken or something in it. As a vegetarian for 13 years I wasn’t that shocked and let the beer wash away my accidental meat eating.

The three of us moved through the crowds trying to find more to eat and waiting for the dance floor to explode. They did get to witness the holiday raffle, awesome prizes like $150 gift certificate to Whole Foods and flat screen TV's! E835 and Poodle M were bummed I didn’t enter the raffle. It wasn’t a big deal because, I usually don’t win anything and plus it helps the chances for all the Pet Shop security guards, mail room clerks, and cleaning people to walk away with something they could really use. So we clapped and cheered and showed our support.

At this point it was about time for E835 and Poodle M to leave. They had been the perfect party crashers, eating and drinking their full. They had a chance to see the Pet Shop’s fearless leader CEO boss double fist an ice cream sunday and beer at the same time while strolling through the crowd. Also Poodle M made a celebrity sighting when Hillary Clinton was spotted! So things were good at this point. All my crushes at work were pointed out and I was quickly poked and prodded by E835 and Poodle M to introduce myself and make the ill-fated trip down the Holiday Party walk of shame by trying to pretend I was in a night club and not a work party. After one unsuccessful attempt to say hello to someone (I was blinded by the terrible lighting and lost sight of her) I gave up hope. Which was probably a good thing.

E835 and Poodle M left and the night club theme DID begin to take over. All the elder’s were long gone by now and everybody had reached their 3 drink max. The dance floor was bumpn’ to Brick House and I found myself standing next to Hillary and doing a little white person dance. Grinding was definitely witnessed and a conversation took place as to which drugs our HR guy was on while dancing: Valium, LSD, or Prozac. So the night quickly spun out of control. Santa packed up shop along with the mind readers. The food was gone and the dance floor was the only place to be unless you were outside smoking weed with the AV dudes. Drunk husbands were beginning to wander into things and the wreaths, table candles, and anything that wasn't tied down was getting looted. It was like being at some strange Berlin Wall tearing down/yard sale and everybody was grabbing what they could. I got a hand full of Clementine’s so I was happy.

So the party ended. No butt copying or make out sessions in the supply closet. I’m only slightly hungover but, I must say it was a fun experience. Having my blog bros there made the night. It always puts you in that strange frame of mind when you realize you’re having a good time but, you would never hang out with any of these people unless you worked together. So it was a nice way to enter this holiday season. I'll miss Employee 835 and Poodle M for the next few weeks but, we'll be able to catch up soon enough in 2008! Next year you're all invited to the party! That is if I still have this job.

Have a safe and happy holidays everybody!

-Foreverever

Time to Par-tay with Santa and Vodka, II

The excitement is mounting greater than George W's debts to the Dark Prince, and I'm afraid with all the pump, Poodle M and I may be walking into Al Capone's vault.

This is the email that I just received from foreverever:

So it's 2 hours until this doo doo parade of co-worker party christmas awesomeness begins. I have decided not to waste food/money with eating today so that I can gorge myself for free and get drunk faster here at work. . .this had caused me to feel a little hyper active and a general feeling of giddiness. Like Christmas? Kind of like that I think.. augh.. . it's unstoppable the christmas spirit. So i've scoped out what's going on. .. It looks like a check-in table exists when you first come in the building... That means possibly once we cross that barrier then it's all out mashed potato eating and dancing haven. So i'm going to scope it out and see if we can go around it. .. This could involve two distinct mission impossible type scenarios. ..

1. I meet you guys and just walk in.
2. I meet you guys and hand off a fake ID to Poodle M to flash to some sort of security guard and me bringing you in formally as my guest.

We must be aware that neither of these scenarios could be utilized as an entry point and plans dramatically changed. I'll call you guys closer to showtime to give you the lowdown.

Good stuff, all those hours watching MacGuyer and GI Joe are going to pay off.

Peace,

F

*****

I can't tell you where foreverever works, just know that with prestige come rent-a-cops supervised by partyzilla event coordinators in black dresses, black pumps, and sparkly sweaters, and they've got this thing sealed up tighter than the Green Zone in Ramamdan.

Roger Over.

Time to Par-tay with Santa and Vodka

It sounds like Employee 835 needs a little break. The debacle from yesterday will be overlooked soon enough with all the insanity of the Holiday Season gift giving, crap receiving, more crap returning, and heavy drinking that is the Spirit of Christmas.

Tonight is the annual holiday party here where I work. Which will have all the above mentioned items and then some. From what I’ve seen it’s over the top with a nostalgic photo op area with Santa Claus, mashed potato bar, open bar, dance floor, and other completely unnecessary elements like live Christmas trees and modest “club” lighting.

Unfortunately you and only one member of your family is allowed to attend so this has given me the opportunity to invite Employee 835 to the party but, what do we do with Poodle M? That’s where our adventure will begin tonight . . .How to get Poodle M in under the close scrutiny of basically a concierge at a swanky restaurant? I’m hoping that in the ensuing chaos which will be the party we’ll just walk in. Another option is using charm saying that Poodle M just arrived from Kentucky and has nowhere to go in which case he can bust out his red neck jock accident to “act” his way into the party. Whatever happens everyone will be able to enjoy the stupidity and I can’t wait to share this experience with my blog bros.

On another note this email just came in . . .

Hello all,

Please return all hard hats to the Conference Room by the end of today. All hats need to be utilized for a press event tomorrow morning.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Potty Brain

Just so you know, there are many times when I am not proud of myself. This report is of such an instance.

This guy John Fogerty, an ex-marine came up to my desk just a few minutes ago, giving me the thumbs up for my valuable insight during the recent meeting in the conference room about our 401(k) plan.

And in the drawing stacks, someone mentioned it as well.

Jesus Jimenez, the guy who greets me as Danielsan in Crane told me he wanted to move seats far away from me during the meeting.

I am in dire need of media coaching and tourrets meds.

I walked into the conference room, among the last to enter and greeted everyone, including the HR department by saying, “Good morning everyone, go fuck yourselves.” And I became disturbed when I realized that I wasn’t kidding.

Someone who manages our 401(k) plan came in today to teach all of us, in groups of 20 about the benefits of the new plan. As always, with 401(k) talk, the person freaks you out about saving, how you'd better do it now or as the woman today said, “you could be working as a Wal-Mart greeter until the day you die. There you go, a tired little old lady in your blue apron saying hello to everyone and then you keel over. That’s not how I want to spend my last days, so you bet I’m going to be putting away a good chunk of change.”

She asked lots of leading questions.

Does anybody know what a triple venti caramel macchiato is? Sounds expensive doesn't it? Remember when coffee was cheap and simple?

Does anyone here know how much a gallon of gas cost 25 years ago? What about a movie ticket?

How about a house? How much do you think all of these things are going to cost 25 years from now?

If you didn't have to work, what would you rather do? Anyone?

That's what they call retirement, and you have to ask yourself, what will I need?

She attempted a poor analogy, asking the group why you would go to the gym and pointed at me.

Why do you go to the Gym?

I heard a voice in my head loud and clear and it wanted to say a few things, but I tried very hard to breathe through it, so I could chalk up a perfect work appropriate reply, and the best I could muster was a very tentative response with long pauses between each word, and a huge question mark hanging in the air. Something like

Bee

cause

it

makes

me feel...

good?

She kept looking at me, digging with her eyes, and in retrospect, I see clearly now that she wanted me to say something like, “because I paid a lot of money for it, and you bet all the ice up Santa's Ass that I’m going to get my money’s worth.”

I wanted to end there, but she kept on looking at me, and slowly, expectantly nodding, stabbing me with her gaze, just lifting the words out of my mouth, and I kept talking and I said,


whennn


I


don’t...


kill people?

The words that came out were the result of an internal struggle between an angel and Dennis Hopper. The Dennis Hopper voice had a lot of f words ready to go, something about turning the office into a homo sapien slaughterhouse, while the angel voice that would like for me to keep my job begged for silence. This was a decent compromise I suppose.

It's hardly worth noting, and definitely not the worst thing I could have said, but it could be a harbinger of my Undeveloped Evil Twin's eventual coming out party, from decades of gestation inside of my gall bladder. I worry that I am on the fast track to becoming the man in this video, and that so far, so luckily, youth, although withering, is still on my side, and there is enough charm in the reserve tank to enchant my way out of my own creative expletives. But one day, I will be this man. I hope I can learn from this.

If you click on the video, you should know that he has a potty mouth strikingly similar to mine. Some of you may find it offensive. If you are at work, wear headphones.

The Video.

Holiday Blazes!

I received this email from foreverever this morning:

Are you all up in the work zone? I hope your commute was chill. .. seems like things are getting mellower around the holidays. The bus was still packed and crazy and this woman in a wheel chair at Fairfax and Crenshaw said. .. "Where I'm gonna ride? On top!"

Anyways, I'm looking forward to kicking it with you and Poodle M on Wednesday. I dropped my cell phone in a hot tub this weekend so you'll have to hit me up on my work line. We can work out the details later... .
hope it's all good.

*****

Must have been a great hot tub/key party. Wish I was there.

It is confirmed that Poodle M and I are going to foreverever's company holiday party this Wednesday, and without spilling the beans about his workplace, I just know it's going to be interesting, tasteful, and austere.

My company's holiday party was held this weekend and I did not attend. Something about a workplace where the man to woman ratio is 9 to 1 feels a bit like The Accused when you mix us all up in a dark warehouse and splash a little booze on everyone.

We instead, went to a sampler of The Nutcracker performed by a ballet school of kids between the ages of four and six, with some gangly teens sprinkled in as role models. Our four year old girl, the daughter of our friend, was particularly cute, and did her best, but I heard Poodle M praying quietly to himself during her part, “Trust yourself Etta, trust yourself.”

The stakes were high for the girls, and the urine was even higher for the audience.

Urine.

A woman in her sixties, who seemed to have no relation to child or child bearer, performer, audience member, stage hand, or facilities personnel didn’t quite sully our enjoyment of the experience, but rather, her enthusiasm, and her own special spice added an element of Rabid Nursing Home Fugitive to the event. She was dressed well, in a red top, red cardigan and overall holiday theme, but it was her odor, one of a gas station urinal, filled with falafel, and composted roses that brought more tears to my eyes than the five year olds in tutus, dressed as mice. Her BRAVOs and her exclamations of BEAUTIFUL and BRILLIANT added support to the otherwise dreary soundtrack. She gave Etta’s grandmother helpful parenting advice as well as dirty looks. She reminded Poodle M that he was gay – lest he forget and trot over to the nearest church to get hitched. And the audience looked to her, relied on her for cues on how they should respond to the performance. So when you look at the big picture, I’d say she stole the show. It’s just as well. Kids are exceedingly cute in costumed performances, but every show of this nature needs at least one adult Hindenberg to catch ablaze from a single static spark against a metal folding chair in order to burn bright and fierce amidst all the overly child-focused Jon Benet making parents.

I love the holidays.

And I’m excited about foreverever’s work party. Never been there before, and I hope they have their own handful of volatile dirigibles on staff.

What? I'm a work? How did this happen?

So I am in that mode where you are barely working. It started first thing in the morning. I woke up at 6:30 it was still dark and I thought to myself, "I could totally get up and start my day!" But, I didn't and stayed in bed dreaming until 8. So that created where I am now. That lack of motivation first thing in the morning lead me to dream and continue those dreams into my employement part of the day.

So today i've just been reading the news, emailing, watching videos on youtube without sound. A good one is Criss Angel stuff. And insert paper work and meetings along the way. Before you know it you're back out on the street and heading home. So i feel thankful for this place I'm in and thankful to you the reader. Life is strange and when we're at our day jobs, or school, or whatever we go on with it. I think a lot of us know it's a sham. A cultural joke that we're playing and that's where the humour and levity of Mr. Shankly comes along. To let the epp and flow of our commitments or lack thereof come through.

Someone left coffee burning in the kitchen. I wonder if it'll ever get turned off. It's rather nice. It's one of those "crazy" things that can happen around here and I wonder if other people are thinking the same thing I am. This group dynamic we share to get the job done has lots of different levels and styles that me and E.835 have discussed but, maybe it's the time of year. The darkness that bookends our days or something. It's making me happy to be here and I know I'll have to leave someday and I'll miss this place for a few minutes.

A Gift for You

What a fantastic welcome back note from foreverever. I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for anything bearing a crown in my neighborhood.

I was going to tell you that it took three hours to go through my emails yesterday, but I’m more excited to tell you this:

The photo above is of a laminated greeting card for all occasions. You can keep it, you can send it to loved ones, send it to hated ones, to whomever you want, for any reason. This heartfelt card is extremely precious, and if you want one, I want you to have one.

The lovingly hand made, laminated message, comes mounted on white card stock with a matching envelope.

Just send a self addressed, stamped US#10 envelope (or equivalent) with correct postage to:

Mr. Shankly
1431 South Fairfax Avenue, #1
Los Angeles, CA 90019

Include your email address so I can let you know that I’ve sent off your card.

Welcome Back Bitch!

Hello everyone,
So employee 835 is back in this land of Hilary and T.V. sitcom writer strikes. He was missed but his posts have kept us all company and gave us an excellent insight into his and Poodle M’s adventures. I personally would like to hear more about these adventures outside of the confines of the cube and douche bag alliances that surround us. I have personally given up any further retaliation against my cubeiverse and have accepted it with open arms. I’ve done this for a few reasons. 1. I have a job and I should be extremely thankful for that. 2. I have a job that allows me to do crap like this. 3. Free food sometimes.

Of course there’s always something better out there and searching and attaining that is the American Way. But, since I’m kind of anti-American and after seeing how Employee 835 observed and absorbed the culture on his adventures you probably noticed like I did that he really had fun in all of the differences and craziness that’s the rest of the world. America is weird. This is one of the weirdest places on the planet. We are the douche bag of countries. I don’t want to contribute to the doucheness of my own country anymore. Instead of giving up and moving to a country that’s more like a case of cheap beer (Canada) I think it’s better to stay here. Do what we can and when we can to take a little wind out of the sails of the USS Douche bag.

That’s where Mr. Shankly comes in. All you readers out there know that we’re right there with you. We’ll tell you how it is on the front lines, in our cubes, with our co-workers, or other observations in and outside of the workspace. We want to inspire you to just take a break from the drudgery you maybe experiencing and chill out by the water cooler with us . . .

So today I went down to the .99 cent store for my afternoon snacks and this is usually one of my favorite things to do because, I get away from the phones and gray walls and floors and get to be with the people and see tons of cheap shit. You know what I'm saying, strange packaged snacks with chili-peanuts, DVD's of movies you've never heard of, clothing, plants, you name it it's there and it's only .99 cents! So I guess it’s kind of like a mini-Thailand. I guess you can consider .99 cent stores as foreign lands because, I think either you go there all the time or you never go there. Some people will never eat the food from there but, will gladly get all their hazardous household chemicals from it. Maybe that conflict of energy created by random junk and the whirlpool of old people, moms, and house keepers just creates this perfect storm of capitalism at work.

One inspiring individual was at the .99 cent store today, and I’m glad we crossed paths. He was an older gentleman and he was wearing a rather nice Kings crown and had on a black t-shirt with his own portrait airbrushed on it with a Kings crown on. It was incredible. Was this Jackass? What was going on? The crown would have been one thing. The t-shirt another. But, together they formed a tableau to be discussed and referred to for ages. I wasn’t the only one who noticed and we were all in awe of his divine prescene. We were really seeing a King among us serfs at the .99 cent store. What a day to be alive and to have these eyes witness his majesty.

If you’re going to retire that’s the way to roll. He was asking people in the check out line how to get to south Fairfax because; he needed to see a lawyer and he was a Korea vet so it was free or something senile and boarder line crazy. What I love thinking about is this guy is on an adventure all day in this outfit. He gets to inspire other people and trip them out in his choice of clothing options. Seeing him totally made me look forward to growing old. Maybe I’ll be wandering around one day exhibiting my personal freedom in completely strange yet very deliberate attire. It just makes you glad to be alive so that you can see moments like that and know that yes, God exists, and he’s here on earth walking among us wearing a crown and t-shirt.