Ultra Hold in the Can

Caution - Pointless Toilet Report Ahead.

After lunch breaks, the next most important break is the bathroom break. My boss noted that the day he learned to punch in first THEN pinch it, was the day his whole earning life changed. "You get paid to shit." I therefore, try to go as often as I can.

In a space where there was formerly one kitchen next to one toilet, the kitchen was removed and an additional toilet was built in its place. In the days before the twin poopers, life was simple. You turned on the light and fan, closed the door, quietly took care of business while exploring the world map, sprayed some Lysol or whatever the custodian left on the napkin dispenser, and you did your best to sneak out of there while no one was faxing on the other side of the door.

Things have become much too complicated lately. Both restrooms are unmarked, but one has a distinctly Wimmin vibration over the other. In fact, many a man has noted a feeling of silent scorn when seen exiting the unmarked Wimmin’s room. Both restroom doors now feature a door closer, that is actually a door ajar-er, hence my meeting with Child Molester. Poor guy. Instead of a simple light switch, the device in each has been replaced with something bearing a button marked delay, a button marked off, a linear timer, and a blue l.e.d., AND in the Wimmin’s restroom, we now have the choice of spring scented Lysol, Biodegradable Orange Mist, or hairspray.

It takes a while, but I can eventually close the door by leaning on it, but not too hard because I've actually pre-peed on myself a couple times. (I have a tendency to wait until the very last second to drop what I am doing, then bolt to the pee-hole) I am also able to turn the light on in only two, maybe three tries. All of this gets a little hairy though esepecially after a big blast of coffee, and all my body wants to do is open the gag can of snake peanut brittle. It’s the hairspray that’s been bothering me. I know what it's for, but why now after all these years? It makes the place seem like a burgeoning counrty club. So yes, I’ve been using it just to feel a little less weird about its presence. I liked it so much that I bought my own. The brand is Garnier Fructis Style. It contains fruit micro-wax technology, a concept so extraterrestrial, wikipedia has not yet figured it out. You should try it and let me know.